LIE: I have a right to punish those who hurt me

Lie:      I have a right to punish those who hurt me.

Truth: I have a responsibility to love those who hurt me.

Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. — Deuteronomy 32:35

This is one scripture that most people know. I don’t think the Lord could have stated it more clearly. Personal vengeance – ‘getting back at’ – in all its forms, is simply wrong. Vengeance belongs to God – it’s his responsibility and is completely off-limits to us. And that’s a good thing – we do not want that kind of responsibility! This was true in the first covenant and it’s also true in the new. Yes, God gave Israel laws, such as, “eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot” (Exodus 21:24), to show that punishment meted out by judges should be proportional to the crime. But God also established cities of refuge for those who had unintentionally hurt someone to provide protection for the inevitable emotional reaction of vengeance. The Lord was under no illusion that people would try to take personal vengeance for their loved ones.

But Jesus could not have made it more clear:

 . . . love your enemies . . .
Blessed are the meek . . .
Blessed are the merciful . . .
Blessed are the peacemakers . . .
Agree with your adversary quickly . . .
Whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him also.

Paul also waxes eloquent on this aspect of love:

 . . . love suffers long and is kind. . . . is not provoked, thinks no evil. . . bears all things . . . endures all things.
Beloved, do not avenge yourselves.
If your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him drink.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

No one is exempt. We all will eventually be hurt in some way: we’ll be either rebuffed, ridiculed, abused, ignored, forgotten, misunderstood, unappreciated, neglected, misled, bullied, taken advantage of or disrespected. It’s not a matter of if, but when and how much. The question is, what will you do when you’re ‘hurt?’ Only two responses are possible: vengeance or forgiveness. That’s it. We will do one or the other; these are mutually exclusive; we cannot do both. If we do not forgive, even up to ‘seventy times seven’ as Jesus told Peter, we will end up taking the vengeance that God himself claimed as exclusively his.

Of course this vengeance comes in many ‘christianized’ forms. Many of those forms are accepted or winked at by Christians as harmless and unavoidable – forms such as: the ‘silent treatment’ — ignoring, shunning, avoiding, rejecting in their many forms — so-called righteous indignation, flaming emails, gossip and slander, sowing discord among brethren, ‘evil eyes,’ ‘cold shoulders,’ or intimidating looks. These may appear to be small slights that people shouldn’t ‘be so sensitive about’ or ‘should just get over.’ But while that may be true, these forms of vengeance can also do major damage to the person and ultimately to the body of Christ and our witness to the world.

If not stopped these punishments/revenges will continue and collect in the hearts of both parties as well as those who look on; they will inevitably end in severed or estranged relationships. The only way out of this never-ending morass of broken relationships and isolation is forgiveness. Jesus knew what he was talking about, and his command to love our enemies is clearly one of the most sane statements ever made. See also: I can’t forgive.

I understand that not every offence is an ‘everyday’ hurt – minor slights and offences. Contrast that with murders, adulteries, false accusations, molestations, and many other very bad things that people do. Obviously some things are harder to forgive than others. This is especially true of those who hurt children and then walk away untouched. That gets to me, but still we must forgive.

Remember that love is not just a feeling. It starts with the realization that God loved us first even when we were sinners. Once we realize that, it’s easier to love other sinners like us. Admittedly, few people feel love for pedophiles, but our choice allows us to treat that person humanely and respectfully. Also, people confuse love and trust, but there is a difference — you can forgive and love a pedophile, but you won’t easily leave your children with them!

But where do we get this power to forgive, this power to resist the powerful temptation to exact our own justice? We get it by understanding and believing that vengeance belongs exclusively to God. It comes from our faith in his promise to ultimately judge the evil and to bring salvation and justice, believing he will set everything right. He will make sure that the evil in this world, both major and minor offenses, will be taken care of. And if we truly believe that he is competent to restore true justice, we won’t feel the need to take matters into our own hands. If you’re on the receiving end of his vengeance, his justice, believe me, you will need all the mercy you can get. This truth brings sanity, and the real power and desire to love our enemies.

See also the introduction, Lies attacking our relationships to others.